Well I've not been to London visiting any Queens I can tell you. I've been wanting to pop back in here but the longer I was away, the larger the task seemed. Anyway I'm at the point now where if I'm not going to blog, I may as well save myself the fees and delete it. Silly thing is though, I love my blog and sharing stuff makes me accountable for what I say, whatever that is....
So the giveaway? Hmm my fault for being so disorganised, no-one won coz I left it way too late to claim and ugh, it's just another thing I've neglected this year and I'm going to explain part of the reason why. 2011 has not been all kind to me but it hasn't all been bad.
For example, I had the most amazing wedding season this year kicking off with this wedding here of course and following with these. I could clog up the internet with images from these amazing, joy-filled and beautiful weddings but I have my Facebook page for that :) Instead here's an overview....
One of these gorgeous weddings was in Tasmania, in Launceston to be precise. I met the couple on Facebook and amazingly they met on Facebook too and it was surreal yet spectacular to meet them in real life and shoot their wedding. The bonus of this was that I got a trip to Tassie, and I'd never been there before :)
I missed my family but oh how lovely it was to be away. Alone. :D
As well as weddings I was shooting babies, families, engagements, grandparents, you name it, I've been photographing it ;)
Around Easter though, I started feeling like things were getting on top of me, like I wasn't "right". Only my work was keeping me joyful and normal, but I was also getting overwhelmed with the sheer enormity of my workload and lack of ability to concentrate. I knew things weren't right especially when I wasn't keeping up with my Design Team committments to Aussie Scrap Source. Despite my best intentions, I just lost the ability to scrap well and just couldn't pinpoint why so I resigned.
I assumed I was feeling so "off" because I was so busy. I was actually incredibly distracted by nasty thoughts about myself and started losing my confidence in everything I did from scrapping, to photographing, parenting, you name it, I was pretty convinced I was completely crap at it. Despite the amazingly happy feedback I received from my clients, I was completely convinced that everything I did was hopeless. I stopped paying bills, just couldn't keep up with our budget, my house became a mess and we were completely disorganised. I started to work out why but was not willing to give into it.
It was that black-dog-bitch. Depression, or more accurately in my case - PTSD. I knew she was coming back to haunt me in all her gloomy nastiness but I was convinced it wasn't going to beat me. I mean, how could it? I'm now a volunteer speaker for Road Trauma Support Services. I talk about my stuff all the time and I'm FINE right? I ignored my flashbacks, my nightmares etc. I accepted my hypervigilence as being a caring mother and figured that I was tense because I wasn't doing enough yoga. Sigh. If I just got more sleep and got on top of my workload I'd be perfectly fine right. WRONG.
In short around May, I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. A complete, maybe my worst, PTSD regression ever. Whilst denying it was coming back, I worked as the photographer for Fatality Free Friday which meant I was photographing ambassador Bev Brock, race car driver Mark Winterbottom and Police Deputy Commissioner Kieran Walshe. The day was well received and I met some beautiful people and I thought that having the courage to face it all meant I was on the mend.
I mean really....do I look stressed?
I was feeling pretty ace to be in the middle of the city contributing to a couse that I feel SO passionate about. I was stoked. For a while. Truth is that after I finished, I had one of the worst panic and anxiety attacks of my life. I literally had to stop at a servo on the way home where I was frozen, unable to get back into my car because I was terrified of getting back on the road. I kept telling myself I was fine and in control. I love my car, I'm okay. But my legs WOULD NOT MOVE.
I eventually got home tired and shaky and ready to "get over it" but that attack scared me so I asked my GP to up my anti-depressant dose as it wasn't working as well. I'd been on Lexapro for over three years as it cleared the "fog" that I get and helped with nightmares etc. I'd be fine after that right? Of course! Heck I even did a police press conference for the Queen's Birthday long weekend telling Australia about my accident in front of media from every major news group in the state.....and I was FINE.
Local people recognized me which was a little awkward I guess but they were all so kind. In fact everyone was so kind from the media, to police, to anyone and everyone. It was um...surreal.
This meant I was good right? Err no.
I made it through the birthdays of both of my babies with Alex turning 12 (eh am I THAT old?) and Madeleine turning nine.
I didn't really feel present at either of their birthdays but i did my best because I was determined to stomp on that black dog bitch. It didn't work. It overwhelmed me and my full-on nightmares and flashbacks returned with a vengeance. My whole household has suffered and I was close to suicidal. I knew I had to do SOMETHING for the sake of my family if nothing else. I just wanted to lay down and let it consume me so it would end. Please.
My GP was my saviour and thankfully so were my kids. Knowing that they need me well has been the main motivation for my continued need to fight. Without them I'd have given up by now. I was referred to a specialist trauma psychologist who then referred me to a psychiatrist. Yep a psychiatrist OMG. Only CRAZY people need psychiatrists right? Ugh so humiliating but it's been good.
He moved me to Pristiq, a different kind of anti-depressant. To be honest the change has been SHIT. I've felt like it's doing NOTHING but I'm on quite a high dose now and little by little I feel like I'm coming back. I've even ventured out with the family to the Aquarium in Melbourne a little while ago. Felt like a total space cadet but no-one needed to know I guess....
It was really hard to stay present but again, my kids have forced me to make the effort just by their being.
I'm not doing any more talks for a while, and just staying focussed on protecting me and getting well.
My psychologist has helped me uncover so many things about me that I didn't know and it's been interesting. It's not been pleasant but it's been cathartic. We haven't started on the intense work yet as I have to be emotionally stable. I'm working on it. She encouraged me to delve back into creating art so Nathan and I worked to create me a designated art space.
It's just mine. My space. My desk and workspace have just been in our lounge in a shared space but this, this little corner is MINE. So far I've created these...
Which led me to finding the courage to exhibit. It may only be in a show organised by the TAC but it's in the divine Geelong Gallery and it's a non-threatening start. I feel like I'm "home" when I paint or draw and I can express things through art that I can't through words.
The exhibition opening was the perfect excuse for time in Geelong too. I don't get there now that both of my grandparents have passed but it's one of my favourite places in the world. It's filled with many of my happiest memories from being a small child until now. I feel at peace in Geelong and it was just what I needed. I took Madeleine with me and we had a girl's night starting with the exhibition opening and then staying in a multi storey hotel. I've never seen her so excited and she just kept hugging me and saying thankyou! So cute and a reminder of what's important.
It was also an amazing experience to see my work in a "real" gallery again after not being in one for almost 20 years and also to listen quietly to what people said. My piece had the desired effect if what I overheard people say is anything to go by. Viewers can vote on their favourites and pieces are for sale, all there until September 4th. I don't expect to win a prize but hey, it'd be nice :)
The day after the exhibition opening, I was able to take Maddy to the Fairy Park in Anakie. I was really unwell with a stupid flu-virus and feeling spacey from my anti-D drugs but we still had a lovely time :)
We took the super-duper long way home and went on a bit of an adventure, fabric shopping and just enjoying the one-on-one time together.
I can't wait for my dissociation to be resolved. I had no idea the way I felt had a NAME, let alone WHY I feel this way. I do now and know that it's peaking as it did this weekend away. It's the pits. Really. At least I know why I always feel like I don't belong and feel spacey. It sucks and I had no idea it is a PTSD symptom. I just thought I was vague :-S It's hard to enjoy anything, I just get all kind of quiet - bah!
There is good news now, I'm feeling like my cylinders are starting to re-fire. I feel like I'm over the hump - well some of it anyway. I feel motivated to continue to create art and capture amazing memories for people. I even have some work on display at Tea-Lite in Warragul, the hippest little nook to relax in EVER!!!
I have something else on the burner too but I'm not teaching scrapbooking anymore. I was recently accused by a "friend" of refusing to teach for her store but then teaching at someone else's and that wasn't the damn case at all. I didn't get to explain, I didn't get to say it was just the occasional one when they, who are FRIENDS of mine got stuck. The bit that makes me saddest is that I upset her without even meaning to. It's that bullshit side of the scrapbooking industry that has now burned me one too many times now, I'm over it. I love sharing what I know but the politics behind it really are crap so I'm stepping out of it completely. I'll still scrap, but just for me. Sick of the shit that goes on between women who are meant to be supporting each other. I don't need that "you did this" bullshit. Ugh....luckily the last shop I taught for have the same attitude as me and don't cause me any issue but I still want out...
My focus now is on my family, my babies who are growing way too fast and make me prouder and prouder each and every day. They also make me want to knock their heads together at some stage each and every day but that's motherhood right? My Alex got into an advanced curriculum program for high school next year (yes WTF? High School) and Maddy has some seriously awesome Maths and Reading skills. I'm so lucky. Mind you they've had an endless line of cold after virus after bug and seem to be home ALL the flipping time :( I've just started them on Echinacea, Anti-biotics, pro-biotics, vitamins, fruit etc you name it, it's time they get well. It'd probably help if parent's stopped sending their sick kids to school spreading germs but that is another whole gripey post...
I'm focussing on getting well myself and trying to make amends for the dumb things I've done during my breakdown. Bills are caught up, upcoming wedding shoots are sorted, editing all almost finished and I'm booking LOTS of weddings for next season. BRING IT ON! I love it!
If you read this far and stayed with me thanks. If you're empathetic towards me, quadruple thanks. If you're judging me because I have an emotional illness, kindly leave and may the door knock you on the way out.
So here's to my recovery and may my blog be regularly updated! Cheers!
